Closer
by chimp1984
Summary: Catherine leaves Sara. Part song fic/part story. VERY dark, talk of depression and suicide. Mention of f/f relationship. Don't read if you don't like f/f relationships or have a hard time reading about depression and suicide. Rated M for strong language
1. Chapter 1

_**Hello! Long time no post for me. It's been a very hard year for me this past year. With the breakdown of my marriage and the recent death of my cat, Patches. I've wanted to write for a long time, having numerous plots and storylines come to me, but I just couldn't be bothered to sit down and write. I had more important things to deal with, like trying to save my marriage before the eventual breakdown of the marriage. **_

_**And I know I have had many people asking when No One Is To Blame and Family Vacation are going to be updated, but unfortunately they are on hiatus for now. For No One Is To Blame, I wrote a chapter or two back in 2008 before I got married and left the notebook in Canada when I moved to England to be with my wife, with those chapters in that notebook, but my Mom nor sister could not find that notebook, and I don't want to rewrite them right now, mainly cuz I don't remember exactly what I wrote and I believe they were good chapters and don't want to go a different way or leave anything out as it was sort of a turning point to the story. Maybe I'll reread No One Is To Blame and TRY to remember what I wrote. For Family Vacation, I haven't read that in awhile so I don't remember where I was going with that. But maybe in awhile, once I get back into writing. **_

**_This one is going to be part song fic, part story to the song "Closer" by Kings of Leon. I actually started writing a song fic for this song about 2 1/2 years ago. I stayed up all night writing it, but didn't finish it. Went out with my then wife, leaving it on the couch, planning to finish it while my wife slept, but came home and my cat Patches, who was a little kitten at that time, had ate half the page of the MAIN point of the story! I couldn't remember what I wrote, as I was up all night and was tired, so I scrapped it. But this has gone a totally different way. The last one, was basically Sara and Catherine were on the brink of breaking up, and Sara got kidnapped, and going back in time to parts of their marriage which contributed to where they were at that time. _**

**_This one though, is going to be in multiple parts, and it's going to get VERY VERY dark. Talks of depression and suicide. If it's hard for you to read, I advise you don't read it. _**

**_Anyways, that's all for now. I'm posting up the first chapter, and then going to write the next part now. Hope you enjoy. _**

**_chimp1984_**

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><p>"Sara… It's over. The marriage is over. I don't love you anymore." Catherine says to me. The words hitting me like a ton of bricks. I feel my world crashing down around me. 3 years of marriage, flushed down the drain. After a measly mistake! If she loved me, if she ever loved me, why is she giving up? I love her but I'm willing to get help. I'm willing to fight for this marriage. Did I not mean anything to her? Does our marriage not mean anything to her? Does my love not mean anything?<p>

I'm standing there, staring at her, with these questions racing through my mind. And she's staring straight back. I guess trying to guess what is coming next? Begging? Tears? Trying to compromise? Screaming? Yelling? Silence? Questions? But I won't give her the satisfaction of knowing she's ripped my heart out, stomped and spat on it as if it means nothing to her. 3 years of my love and devotion being a joke to her.

"I need to get out of here" I say, numbly.

"Where?"

"Away."

"Where? Please tell me you'll be safe and not do anything"

"So what if I do? You don't love me anymore, so what's it to you?" Yes, I've attemped suicide before, not like she ever believed me.

"I still care. I still want to be friends" she says, eyes starting to fill with tears. I leave the bed and walk into the living room with her following me as I grab my shoes and coat. It IS February, it's cold out there. A few days before Valentine's Day, but whatever. This is why I hate Valentine's Day!

"Sara, please tell me where you're going…"

"Out!" I turn to her, anger in my eyes "I'm not your problem anymore, so just fuck off!"

"You don't have to leave. I can go into work early…"

"I want to. I can't be in this house with you!" I grab my phone, my wallet and my house keys. Wait, not mine anymore… Don't want to think about that right now.

"How long will you be?"

"Don't know"

"Will you be back before I leave for work?"

"Don't know. Probably not" and I walk out the door.

I walk to the end of the driveway trying to figure out which way to go. I look in my wallet, and fuck! No cash in there. I need to go to the bank to get some cash out. I guess I can turn right, go to the ATM up the road, and then the store across the road from the bank to get some cigarettes. I NEED them. I start walking, and I'm searching my pockets for my headphones to listen to my music whilst I'm walking to clear my head. But I can't find them. I stop and empty out my pockets. I fucking forgot them, didn't I? I don't want to go back into the house.

"4got headphones. Going up road 2 get cash. Can u find 'em and meet me outside in abt 5mins? Don't want to come in" I send the text to Catherine. Vague. No emotion. Don't want to let her know how I'm feeling. She's done this before, and I thought it was the last time, but how fucking wrong was I?

I draw some cash out and go to cross the road only to find the shop is closed down! Fucking economic crisis, making all the small businesses go under, so we have to go further or spend more money on things that we could've got from them! That's what most of the homicides are about at work now, people killing people because they have no job, they've lost their business, their house, and they fear they're going to lose their family too. They don't want that, so they kill their family and themselves. Or they go to their company and kill their old boss for making them like this. Or sometimes some are just so on edge, they snap and kill random people.

I guess I'll have to go to the gas station up past the house and have to walk back to go where I wanna go. Not my day. But eh, more time out of the house and away from Catherine.

On the way to the gas station, I pass the house and walk up the steps waiting at the door, I send her a text. "I'm here" She comes out and hands me the headphones. I don't want to look at her. But I glance up "Thanks. See ya later" It looks like she's been crying. Then she leans down and gives me a lingering peck on the lips. And the tears fall from her eyes. What the fuck? You're not allowed to cry! This was YOUR decision, not mine! Your decision to end our marriage, your decision to break my heart and leave me! Not MINE! You're not allowed to cry, bitch! I don't kiss back. I just stand there. Feeling numb, wondering why SHE'S crying!

She pulls away and says "I'm sorry" I just stare at her, questioning why she's sorry. It was HER decision. If she was sorry, why was she doing this to me?

"Bye" I reply, turning around and walking down the steps leaving her staring after me. I turn the corner and lean against the wall to put my headphones in, and blast the music.

I walk up to the gas station and buy what otherwise would've been cheaper cigarettes at the store across the road from the bank. I leave the gas station, walk off the premises and light a cigarette.

Why am I not crying? I love her, she's torn my world apart, shattered me to pieces and the tears have yet to fall. Probably because I'm so used to her saying it's over, I've numbed myself and expected it. I walk towards the Las Vegas Bay. We only live in Henderson, at my pace, it shouldn't take me long. I start walking and I feel like running. I haven't ran, just for the sake of running in awhile, and if I run, I'll get there sooner.

"_Stranded in this spooky town,  
>Stoplights are swayin' and the <em>_phone__ lines are down.  
>The floor is crackling cold,<br>She took my heart, I think she took my soul.  
>With the moon I run,<br>Far from the carnage of the fiery sun."_

I run to get away from Henderson, I run to get away from Catherine, I run to get away from everything.

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><p>The wind is starting to pick up, in this otherwise stranded hick-like desert town, but I run faster, against the wind. I can feel the cold of the Las Vegas Desert February air against my cheeks, slowly numbing them from the cold. Which is fine by me. I don't want to feel.<p>

* * *

><p>The wind is making it harder to run, the wind gusts against me is actually stopping me in my tracks and I feel like I'm running but I'm not moving. With the streetlights swaying in the windy night air, I decide to stop by a corner store to get a bottle of water. I'm dehydrated, sweat pouring down me even though it's windy and cold out here. I walk in, panting and go straight for the drinks. I stare at the bottle of Jack Daniel's,I so desperately want a drink to numb everything, but decide against it. I don't want to go back to that dark and lonely place, again. I pick up a bottle of water, instead. I thank the man behind the counter and walk out being hit by the gusts of wind and the cold nippy air. I hear a crash and crackle and I look to my left to see a telephone line being blown down from the wind and the sparks fly when it hits the ground. I should call it in, but I don't give a fuck right now. I don't give a fuck about anything. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and I pull it out<p>

"Hope ur ok. Winds picking up. Be safe"

Whatever. Like you give a fuck. I gulp the bottle of water down and start running again.

* * *

><p>I reach the beach at Las Vegas Bay, it's a clear night, windy and cold, but clear. I pull my coat closer to my body to stop the chills. I shade my eyes from the blowing sand.<p>

I sit down, pulling the hood up on my coat to stop the sand blowing into my eyes and stare out across the bay, wondering how we got to where we are now, why she's ending the marriage, throwing it away like a piece of shit on the bottom of her shoe. That's when the tears fall. It's over. My love and devotion to her, meaningless. I lay back on the cold sand and stare up at the stars and moon letting the tears fall, hard and fast. I feel my heart breaking now.

She took my heart and she took my soul. I gave it to her 3 years ago, and she took it and ruined it. Tainted my heart. I doubt I will be able to put back the pieces. My soul, innocent when it came to my love for Catherine, willing to do anything for her to make her happy, tainted now too. Will I ever be the same again?

I sit up, tears still streaming down my face

"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!" I scream to the skies and I punch the nearest tree as hard as I can to feel the pain I'm feeling inside my chest.

I run towards the water, and stop short remembering my phone and everything in my pockets, so I empty them before running into the painfully cold water. It's so cold, it hurts. Like knives stabbing me. So cold I can't breathe. The pain is a welcome relief to the emotional pain I'm feeling inside my chest. I know I can get sick from this, but I really don't care. I need physical pain! Even though it's not really knives stabbing at me, it's physical for me. After being in the water for 15 minutes, crying and swearing up at that skies for being a fuck up and a failure, I walk out and lay back against the tree where I left my stuff. As I sit down, I feel the ground vibrate, I figure it's my phone, so I pick it up. I was right.

"Sara? R u ok? U haven't replied back. Let me no ur ok" GOD! Why do you even care? YOU broke up with ME!

"I'm fine. Back off!" I reply.

Then I look at the time, Catherine is leaving for work in a few hours, do I want to go back and face her? It is quite cold out here and I need to dry off before I catch pneumonia. Guess I'll go back. So one last look across the bay, I turn and run towards what was my home in Henderson in my cold, soaking wet clothes.

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><p>I slow down as I come up to the house, and I walk at a slow pace towards the house. I sit down on the steps outside to have a smoke, wondering if Catherine has left for work yet or not. Guess I'll find out when I get in.<p>

I finish my smoke and I walk in, shivering.

She's in the bedroom, getting ready for work. I walk out to leave her in peace. Plus I'm not ready to be in the same room as her for fear of breaking down and begging for another chance.

I walk into the laundry room putting a clean towel and robe into the dryer to dry myself and warm myself up.

Catherine walks into the living room as I walk out in my now toasty warm robe and towel, drying my hair. I sit down on the couch and watch her walk around the room making sure she has everything. Then she glances up;

"Why are you wet?"

"Went for a swim"

"In this weather? Where?"

"The bay. And I don't care."

She sighs and finishes packing her bag for work then turns to me;

"Did you get smokes?"

"Yes"

"Can I have one? I know you understand why I need one. Just don't tell anyone" she shyly smirks.

"Fine" I give her one, not able to say 'No' at that smirk and we go out back to have our smokes before she leaves for work.

We're both silent. I don't know what to say. I want to beg for her back. But I know it's useless. She turns to leave, and I give her a hug, I don't want to let her go. She feels so good in my arms. I feel the tears forming, so I pull away and I tell her to be safe at work, and she walks down the stairs and gets into her SUV. She pulls out onto the road and I watch her go into the night, then I walk in and close the door.

The tears fall and I slide down the door, curling my knees up to my chest, crying for her, crying for me, crying for us. I cry for hours, begging to whoever is listening to bring her back to me.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Here's the second chapter. No lyrics from Closer in this one. Just the downfall of Sara. And I forgot to mention, this is written in Sara's POV.**_

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><p>It's been days since I eventually picked myself up off the floor. I'm numb from pain. I can't eat, I can't think, I can't concentrate. I'm basically a shell. Death seems a welcome necessary to get away from all this. Just want to die so I don't feel this heartache. Catherine doesn't seem to care.<p>

* * *

><p>I got sent home from work today. I'm suspended for a month. Grissom suspended me for hitting a suspect. Like I give a fuck! He deserved it. Maybe I was hoping he would hit me back so I could feel physical pain. Grissom says if I fuck up again, that's it, I'm fired. Like I want that stupid job anymore!<p>

* * *

><p>I got fired today. I've had 3 disciplines on my record in the last month. One for being late by 4 hours and hung over, one for mouthing back to Grissom, the last one for telling Grissom to go fuck himself. Why am I fired? Well that's a story!<p>

It's been 6 months since Catherine ended our marriage and I moved out into my own apartment. Catherine has told me to move on, but I don't wanna listen. And then a month ago, I overheard her talking to the guys about a "hot" date she had the previous night. I heard that, and went into the locker room and punched the locker til my hands started bleeding. It hurt, because 3 years of us being together, and it took 5 months for her to move on! Like I didn't mean anything to her. I was a bitch the rest of the month and to top it off, Catherine seemed HAPPY! That's when I mouthed back to Grissom and then a week later told him to go fuck himself. The gang left me to myself cuz they didn't want to deal with my wrath, until today.

I was sitting in the break room reading a magazine and having a coffee, away from the team. Didn't feel like socializing and haven't felt like socializing for months! Then Nick, Warrick and Greg came in and sat down next to me. They were quiet and I looked up

"What?" I said, pissed off they were just sitting there staring at me.

They looked at each other, having a silent conversation with each other.

"Just spit it out" I say, wanting to get back to the article.

Then Nick sighed and said "Look, Sara. Don't be mad, please?"

"What now?" I reply shortly, slowly getting pissed off. I just wish they would just leave me alone

"How long has it been?" Nick asks, looking at me

"How long has it been for what?"

"Since… You and Catherine broke up?" Nick ended, looking down at the table, then up to Warrick and Greg for courage

"What's it to you?" I snap

"Well, we care, Sar."

"Like fuck you do."

"Hey, hey. No need to be like that. We do care. It's hard seeing you like this." Nick said, trying to calm me down

"Yeah, Sara. You're not yourself. I miss hanging out" Greg says

"And I miss your smiling face" Warrick says

"Well, I miss being on my own and I miss when you guys hated me cuz I was the new fucking girl!" I reply

"Hey! We never hated you!" Nick says defensively

"Whatever. So what's it to you how long it's been?"

"Well…" Nick looks to Warrick and Greg; scared to say what he was going to say next "Don't you think it's time to move on? It's been awhile, Sar"

"Oh, I get it. Catherine set you three up to this? To tell me to move on cuz it's over?" I all but yell

"No, we were just chatting, and we think it's time to move on. You can't spend the rest of your life moping over Catherine. She's moved on"

"Fuck you, Nick! You know nothing about me!" I say, throwing the magazine down and standing up

"Hey!" Nick says, standing up to try and calm me down

I walk up to him, and I put my face in his face "Mind your own fucking business, Nick. And you too, Warrick and Greg. It has nothing to do with you three!"

"Sara… It's been 6 months! **MOVE! THE! FUCK! ON!**" Nick says, raising his voice to try and get through to me

"FUCK YOU!" *_**SMACK!**_* I punch Nick square in the jaw knocking him to his ass

"HEY! SARA!" Warrick and Greg quickly jump up and I turn on them

"AND FUCK YOU TWO!" and I go to swing for Warrick, but Greg tackles me to the ground

"SARA! WHAT THE FUCK! CALM THE FUCK DOWN! WE'RE TRYING TO HELP!" Greg yells

"FUCK YOU!" and I push Greg off me and I get up, then I go for Nick, again. Cuz he was the one who started this, bringing it up. I knocked him down to the ground again with one punch, then I lean down and grab his shirt bringing him up to meet my fist again and again. "MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS! WHAT I DO WITH MY LIFE IS MY BUSINESS AND NONE OF YOURS!" I scream, punching Nick time and time again. Warrick tries grabbing me, but I elbow him in the nose, all I see is red. And I keep punching Nick, seeing the blood pour from his mouth, splitting his lip and with another punch, his left eyebrow splits. Nick just looks up at me, eyes rolling back, his body going limp, but I keep punching. I have all this anger built up in me from these past 6 months and it feels good to let it out. Next thing I know, I'm tackled to the ground by both Greg and Warrick. They're both holding me down and it's taking all their strength to hold me down

"SARA! CALM DOWN! LEAVE NICK ALONE! CALM DOWN, GIRL!" they both scream at me, but I'm struggling against them, about to punch one of them and let them be the next victim, but just before I manage to get out of their grip, Grissom enters, looking pissed! He looks at Warrick and Greg holding me down, then looks at Nick's limp body and back to me.

"Warrick, Greg. Take her outside. NOW! I'll deal with you later, Sara! CATHERINE!" Grissom yells and I guess she was already on her way hearing the commotion cuz she entered the room not 2 seconds later as Warrick and Greg are dragging me out of the room.

"Let go! Let go!" I yell at Warrick and Greg, calming down, finally realizing what I've done.

"Are you going to calm down?" Greg asks

"Yes… Yes!" I reply, on the verge of tears. Looking through the glass of the break room walls, I see Grissom and Catherine kneeling beside Nick, checking his pulse. Grissom looks worried, as does Catherine. Grissom pulls out his cell phone

"I need paramedics to the break room in the CSI Building, ASAP!" Grissom shouts into the phone

I look at Nick, and he's laying limp on the ground, blood pouring from his face.

"Oh God, oh God… What did I do?" I cry

Catherine looks up at me and for the first time in 6 months, she looks at me like I'm a stranger. As if she doesn't know me, doesn't know what I've become. She's disappointed in me, in what I've become. That look, brings me to my knees. I never wanted to disappoint her. I never wanted her to see this side of me. I mouth "I'm sorry" to her, as I cannot speak. And she just shakes her head and looks disgusted at my actions and turns back to Nick as the paramedics come rushing in.

Those next 5 minutes were a blur. I remember being on my knees, crying uncontrollably, Warrick and Greg trying to comfort me. Paramedics running in and out of the break room, eventually bringing a stretcher in and putting him on oxygen and taking him to the hospital. Catherine had opted to go with him and as she walked out, holding his hand, she glanced up at me as I said "I'm sorry" and her eyes were full of disappointment.

Then Grissom walks out, looks at Warrick and Greg, then me. I have never seen his eyes so angry before!

"Sara. My office. NOW!" he all but yells at me, then turns and walks to go to his office. I follow him, my head hanging. Ashamed of myself and my actions.

I enter his office

"Close the door" he says in eerily calm voice.

I do as he says and I walk over to the seat in front of his desk and sit down

"Gri…" I try saying before he cuts me off

"Shut up. Don't talk. Shut up and listen, for once! I don't want to hear another word from you! I don't know what the hell has gotten into you, lately. Yes. I know you and Catherine broke up, 6 MONTHS AGO! I know you love her; I know it's hard for you. I know all this, Sara. But you DO NOT bring your personal life into work! I let you off numerous times, I had to suspend you for hitting a suspect, and I thought that would open your eyes. But it didn't. So, I thought giving you those disciplines would hopefully open your eyes to changing your attitude, but obviously you have no regard for your job or your colleagues. Especially after today, Sara. What the hell were you thinking? You could've killed Nick! Thankfully he's alive. But he's not going to be in work for AT LEAST a few weeks now. I don't know what to do, Sara. Well, I do. I don't want to, but I have to, you've given me no choice. You've caused actual bodily harm to a colleague over something so fucking trivial, Sara! And I cannot have that on my team. You either work together as a team, as a family, or not at all. And unfortunately, you can't. So Sara, give me your badge, your ID and your gun. You're fired. You have 15 minutes to gather your stuff from your locker and get off the premises. If not, you will be escorted off these premises. And don't let me catch you anywhere near this building. You hear me?"

I just nod

"If I were you, I would pray Nick doesn't press charges. But this WILL be on your record. I would find another career, because no one will hire you now, with your history of violence and disregard for anyone's safety. Now get out of my office, and don't let me see you anywhere near this building. 15 minutes."

I nod, and get up

"And Sara? I'm disappointed in you." he says as I reach the door

And I walk out; to what seems like the whole damn lab looking out to see what happened. I just walk to the locker room, gather my stuff and leave. Without saying goodbye to anyone.

Now I'm sitting in a bar, drinking my sorrows away… I'm alone, I've lost everyone and everything I've ever cared about in 6 months. I'm such a fuck up. Maybe I should just kill myself? Must be better than being alone.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Here's the 3rd chapter. Thanks to those who have reviewed so far. Catherine's POV is going to be at the end of the story. I'm not saying what happens, though. But this chapter, is VERY VERY dark! Just a warning... If you don't want to read about anything dark, please don't read this chapter. It's dark and disturbing. This will be the last chapter for today. I will try to write more tomorrow. I believe there's going to be another chapter or two. **_

_**Again, WARNING: VERY DARK AND DISTURBING!**_

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><p>I've been sitting in the bar for 4 days straight now, drowning my sorrows. I swore to myself I would never come back to where I am now. Drinking all day and all night just to numb what I'm feeling. It's so dark and lonely in this drunken place. But what else do I have to lose? I have no one. No one cares if I drink all day and night. No one to go home to, no one to say they love me and care. No one to cuddle up to and talk to. I have no one. So why not come back to this dark and lonely place with JD being my only friend. I've lost my wife to a stupid mistake on my part, I've lost friends, and I've lost my job. How am I paying for this? My savings. Well, my secret savings that I was saving money with. To take Catherine away for our 5 year anniversary. I was going to take her to all the places she's always wanted to go. Fly first class, stay in the best hotels; eat at the best restaurants, to celebrate our love, our marriage of 5 years. Why? Because I loved her, and it was going to be my way of saying "Thank you. Thank you for loving me for so long. Thank you for sticking by me even though I can be a hard person to stick by. Thank you for showing me what love really is and how to love" MY way of saying "Thank you" The irony. We couldn't even make it to our 3 year anniversary, let alone 5 years! No one has been able to stick by me for longer than a few years. They always go running. Should've known better than to think she was any different.<p>

I look down my glass, the last few drops of the sweet burning amber liquid that takes away my pain, just sitting there slowly mixing into the melting ice, begging to be tasted like it's the last on this earth. I look up at the bartender, holding onto the bar so I don't fall over and lift my glass and tilt my head to indicate a top-up. He nods to let me know he's acknowledged me. Before I know it, there's a full glass in front of me with fresh ice cubes. I smile to myself "My friend… My only friend"

I lift the glass to my lips, mouth salivating, yearning for the taste to take me further into oblivion. And that's when I hear it. The laughter, HER laughter. The laughter that used to be music to my ears. I chuckle dryly to myself, I must be hallucinating now to be imagining her laughter in this dark seedy little bar. But it gets closer, and before I know it, it seems as if it's right next to me. I keep my head down, cursing myself for drinking so much that I'm starting to hallucinate

"I'm so glad you called tonight, baby. It's been a rough week. What with one of our team in hospital and the other fired. Yeah, Rum and Coke please" I hear her voice… 'Baby'? No… No… Why did she come here?

"I'm happy I called too, babe. Been missing you all week. Oh, um… Just a Diet Coke, I'm driving." I hear a male voice say. Then he whispers. I'm so drunk I can't catch what he's saying, but then I hear her laughter again!

"Mmm… Really?" I know that tone! That's the tone she used to use when she wanted sex!

I feel my blood boiling… I need to get out of here… Like, right now! How dare she?

I quickly down my drink, feeling the burn travel down my throat, through my chest and into my stomach. I glance up to see where she and this… This… ASSHOLE is and she's so damn close! Looking so damn sexy in that shirt! Only one other patron separating me from them. How do I get past without being noticed? Fuck it…

I get up, stumbling over my bar stool, almost falling on my ass. I mumble a "Thanks" to the bartender and keep my head down, concentrating on my feet as I try walking past her, but I'm so damn drunk, I knock into the asshole, then almost fall on my ass right in front of her, but I quickly save myself

"Hey!" I hear her angry tone… So sexy… "Sara?" Shit! I keep stumbling towards the door to get outta there.

"Sara! Hey, Sara… Sara?" Catherine keeps calling after me, but I ignore her. I reach the fresh cool night air, but the amount of drinks I've had, add me standing and the fresh air, I fall down. And she soon catches up to me "Sara… What the fuck?"

"Fuck you! Just fuck you!"

"Why are you in such a state? How long have you been here for?" she questions, worry in her voice

"Because. And however long I was here for" I slur

"Let's get you home" she says, grabbing my arms to pick me up

"NO! FUCK YOU! DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU WHORE!" I scream, trying so hard not to sound drunk

"You're drunk."

"Wow, observant. Must be why you're a fucking CSI!" I get myself up, pushing her away from me. "Leave me the fuck alone. You did this. YOU DID THIS, YOU BITCH! YOU. DID. THIS!" I scream then stumble away, leaning against the buildings to help me stay upright, I don't look back. I don't want to see her.

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><p><em>Driven by the strangle of vein,<br>Showing no mercy, I do it again  
>Open up your eyes,<br>You keep on crying, baby, I'll bleed you dry  
>Skies they blink at me<br>I see a storm bubbling up from the sea_

I'm sitting on the edge of the couch, looking at my coffee table. Half a bottle of JD ready to be drunk, a couple bottles of sleeping pills ready to be taken, and a fresh clean razor blade ready to be used.

Tonight's the night. I can't live like this anymore. I can't live with this heartache. I can't live being this lonely. I can't live knowing I'm a failure. Failing at the ONE thing I didn't want to fail at.

I left a suicide note for Catherine apologizing for the failure of our marriage. Apologizing for fucking up, apologizing for not making her happy like I so desperately tried to do every day.

I sit there, staring at the coffee table. I've attempted suicide before, but it never worked. Maybe with these 3 combinations together it'll work! I don't want to live! Life is not worth living if Catherine is not in my life anymore. Death would be such a welcome embrace. No feeling, no pain, just peace.

I open up the bottle of Jack's, and open up one of the bottles of sleeping pills I was prescribed to help me sleep. I pour a handful into my palm, I look at them, and the bottle of Jack's in my other hand and I sigh "My life was not supposed to turn out this way. She saved me before, and as long as she was my wife, I was never supposed to be back here again." the tears start to fall, as I feel the pain tenfold as I hear her laugh, see her leaning against that asshole, whispering in his ear, about to kiss him before I knocked into him.

"She was supposed to spend the rest of her life with ME! She was supposed to love me for the rest of her life!" I cry… I pop the handful of sleeping pills into my mouth downing it with the Jack's. I pick up the bottle of pills again and pour more into my palm, tears falling freely from my face.

Just as I'm about to put them in my mouth again, I hear a knock at the door. I ignore it and put the handful in my mouth, washing it down with Jack's again

"Sara?" I hear Catherine's voice at the door

"Go the fuck away!" I slur…

"Sara, just let me in please. You looked pretty drunk tonight. I just want to make sure you're ok. I wasn't expecting you to be in there. You weren't supposed to see that. I'm sorry. Just let me in so I can see you're ok" she pleads with me

"Fuck off!" I scream, quickly palming more pills and shoving them in my mouth, drinking the amber liquid

"Please, I just want to know you're ok and not doing anything stupid" her voice getting frantic, the knocking getting harder

"I'll be fine soon… HOPEFULLY" I say, opening the second bottle of sleeping pills, this time just pouring the pills into my mouth before washing them down the Jack's, but I choke and I end up coughing up the pills and spewing the Jack's all over the coffee table.

"Sara? SARA? LET ME IN! WHAT'S GOING ON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?" Catherine screams through the door

"None of your damn business! It stopped being your business when you fucking left me! When you stopped loving me! YOU FUCKING LIAR!" I scream as I scramble around looking for the pills I coughed up to take again. If I know Catherine, she'll break my damn door down and I won't be able to die and finally get peace…

"Sara! Open this damn door now!"

"FUCK YOU!" I slur, I quickly feel the pills taking effect. Always a good thing.

Now, I lay back, grabbing the belt from my pants, and make a tourniquet on my left arm, above my elbow, to get the vein popping so it's easier to see.

I vaguely register Catherine screaming and banging on the door, I think I hear sirens, but if I do this now, they can't get to me in time… I clench my fist, to get the vein popping. I grab the razor from the table.

Countdown… Don't wimp out… 3, 2, 1… And I dig the razor blade deep into the vein, sliding it up, slicing up my arm. And just as I release the tourniquet from around my arm to get the blood flowing faster, I hear my door being smashed in.

I faintly hear Catherine next to me screaming "You stupid _**stupid**_ bitch! How dare you!" I hear amidst all the commotion. Somebody is trying to take the razor blade from my hand, but I hold tight, and force my eyes open.

I look Catherine deep in the eyes and I say "For you. Are you happy? I'm dead, now. You killed me" and without any mercy to her or anyone around me, I take the razor blade and dig it as deep as the blade can go from my wrist up to my bicep, collapsing on the couch.

* * *

><p>I vaguely hear screaming coming from somewhere… It's Catherine screaming…<p>

"Sara! Sara! Sweetie! Open up your eyes! PLEASE!"

"Catherine, let go… We need to take her to the hospital, now!" I think that was Greg.

"Grissom is waiting in the car, he's already called ahead… Catherine, honey, let go. You're in no state to carry her. Let me carry her. You can sit with her in the back with Greg."

"Listen to Warrick" Greg says

I hear Catherine's sobs as I feel myself being passed to someone. I don't know who. I think it's Warrick. And I feel myself being jostled around. I think he's running down the stairs. Then I'm laid down on something… Then my head is lifted and I smell her. She's holding me against her chest, crying.

"Sara, don't die! I never wanted you to die!" she cries

Please, sleeping pills hurry up and stop my heart. Let me bleed out please. I don't want to live anymore. I want her to feel the pain she left me with! That's right, keep on crying baby… Cry for me like I cried for you, but now I'm bleeding for you. Bleeding myself dry, for you. So you can feel the pain you left me with… Hurry up and let me die so you can live with this regret for the rest of your goddamn life!

Then I blackout again

_And it's coming closer..._

* * *

><p>I see bright lights coming through my eyelids, I hear lots of frantic talking, and I feel like I'm being rushed somewhere…<p>

"Ma'am. You have to stay here. Stay back"

"I'm fucking CSI! AND SHE'S MY FUCKING WIFE!"

"You still have to stay back, let us work"

"SHE'S MY WIFE! MY WIFE! MY WIFE FOR FUCKS SAKE!"

She's calling me her wife… Does that mean? Does she still…? She says I'm her wife… DAMMIT! Save me so I can be with my wife and have her hold me and make everything ok… Please! I'm sorry… Save me, please! I don't want to hurt my wife… I don't want to hurt my….

_And it's coming closer..._


End file.
